me vs. elementary school

Sometimes when you are around children, especially when running a Sunday school or babysitting, you think to yourself: “I could beat up all these kids and not leave with a scratch.” Your mind will eventually wander; since I would take no damage from one 5 year old, that means there is no limit to the number of 5 year old children I could fight.

But think about it realistically, you couldn’t take and endless amount of screaming, angry, 5 year old monster children. That is just silly. So what is the limit?

This site will tell you. Basically, it asks you a few silly questions, but they factor greatly into how many 5 year old kids you could take. Physical fitness, arm reach (so you can do the classic hold them back by their forehead and watch their punches swing fruitlessly) and the interesting inclusion of moral compass. Because how hard you fight them really depends on how bad you feel for fighting a bunch of kindergarden students.

So, get this important info. Who knows when you’ll be locked in a gym with a horde of bloodthirsty, Elmo-loving, kids who are ready to render you unconscious?

And by the way, I can take 21…


Time Travel

So, I have not been happening upon enough interesting things via my usual methods, so I thought of trying to find something that I knew would yield ridiculousness galore.

Then I found . Quite an amazing concept. Basically, you give these people ten dollars, and they invest it, and when time travelling is possible your money will have gained enough interest and

From that fund, moneys will be taken and used to retrieve you, perhaps seconds after you join, perhaps even moments before your recorded death, perhaps some other point in your lifetime. Further, the fund may even pay to have you “rejuvenated” medically (assuming this is scientifically possible at that time,) and support you financially for a number of years.”

What a deal!

And frankly, there is no reason to be worried or scared about this process. The makers of the site have answered all the important questions of how this will work like:

Q: Will they still be using money in the future?

Q: What if they outlaw time travel?

And others. So feel free to take advantage of this great opportunity to go to the future.

Destruction Tuesday

For a few years I have been enjoying all the fun that Blendtec’s “Will it Blend?” had to offer. I mean, a blender that can pretty much destroy anything, from pens to golf balls. It assured me that were I to ever buy this blender, my fruit would surely be no match for a machine that can reduce guitar hero III to a fine powder.

But today you get a double portion of destruction. I found a company whose sole purpose is to shred things. While Blendtec is trying to sell you a blender, SSI wants to sell you products that can destroy everything. Their motto? “What needs shredding?”

If you think we are talking about a small device hooked up to your garbage can that can take out up to 4 sheets of paper at a time, you are thinking too small. Go to their video site.I just watched a machine of theirs obliterate a hot tub. And a torpedo. It doesn’t get any better than this.

Now, if you are like my boss you’ll wonder “what kind of a person needs a BMW Beetle crushed into tiny bits?” The only answer I can think of? Mafia. From what I can tell, this is a fancy service that can just “make things disappear” for a price.

Moral of the story? If you find that some of your business contacts have been contacting SSI Shredding Systems Inc., you may just want to get out of town and change your name.

Universal Life Church

I figure this is a good enough segue from my ‘theological’ blog to my ‘ridiculous finds on the internet’ blog.

The Universal Life Church “wants you to pursue your spiritual beliefs without interference from any outside agency, including government or church authority.” And offers a lot of services.

My favorite part about the site is the free ordination. That thing that most people go to seminary for? Yeah, just feel free to sign up. A few friends of mine are ordained under aliases (despite the warning on the site – this is fraud!).My friend’s dog is ordained. Pretty much anything can be ordained. And then can legally marry people. A pretty sweet deal.

Second best part? Online confession. The instructions are simple: “Write about your sins here. If you don’t want to write about your sins, you may enter an ‘X’ to signify that you have thought about your sins and wish to turn from them and seek forgiveness”.

This is followed by a couple yes or no questions:

Have you forgiven yourself for your sins?
Have you forgiven others who have harmed you?
(each with its own check-yes-or-no box)

And after completing the form, you get a lovely declaration of absolution. You are forgiven! I had no idea it was so easy! In fact, you can even answer no to the questions, and still get forgiveness.

But don’t forget the store! Now that you have been ordained, you can get all sorts of ministry necessities! For instance, your clergy card, some ‘friar-tuck’ clothing so when you walk around town everyone will know and respect your new accreditation, a tax-deduction guide (now that you are clergy, you get tax breaks!) or even a certificate of sainthood!

Doctor of the Universe
But most importantly, you can buy yourself a doctorate! Go ahead, and skip those bothersome Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees and go right for that Doctorate in many different categories! From things as basic as Doctor of Divinity and Doctor of Motivation, to the incredibly odd Doctor of the Universe and Doctor of Immortality. All it takes is a 75% on their test, and you have earned it my friend.

All in all, a great place place for any religious needs

a second blog

I have another blog, but that one is usually me trying to think theologically about stuff, and sometimes I just need to share the ridiculousness that the internet has to offer. And it seems like my lot in life is to find jobs that enable me to spend hours trolling the internet, waiting for my shift to expire.

Hopefully it is more interesting and less horrible than you would expect